Blah Blah Cafe, the Jean-Michel Jarre forum

[Analog-Umph]

I keep finding funny things on the internet and collecting them. I love this sort of stuff and it's pretty useful as general knowledge.
Starting the Joke collection I thought I'd post something I found today, at Nico's urging!
Hopefully it'll become a long running thread with everybody contributing.

Ok here we go:


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

A mantis breeder has assured me that you preying mantis can copulate with the male's head still attached, even several times.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. For a human, that would be equivalent to jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........won't go there.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

*

[(Unknown)]

LOL excellent
I want more

[(Unknown)]

A little sexist, but if done in reverse, I wouldn't mind:

Misunderstanding between husband and wife

So there is this married couple who don't really have the most exciting sex life. In fact you could say their sex life is dead. One night, like all other nights, the man was reading his book and the wife was trying to get some sleep, when suddenly the man reaches over and starts fingering his wife. And just as suddenly as he started he stops again and goes right back to reading his book. The woman is pretty confused at this point and decides to give it a go. She stands up and starts to undress when the man asks, "Honey? What the fuck are you doing?" The wife then says "Well you started to finger me, and I thought maybe it could be foreplay to something better..." To which the man replies "Fuck no! I was just wetting my finger to turn the page!"

[(Unknown)]

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

doesn't necessarily mean they're able to distinguish between 27000 different tastes though

[(Unknown)]

OMG!!! I just laughed out a lung.

[Antigoon]

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

Learn metric please, most of us have no idea how far that actually is....

I also wanna be a pig now BTW

[(Unknown)]

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

Learn metric please, most of us have no idea how far that actually is....

I use to count meter as roughly 1/3 of foot/feet...close?

Anyhow that's really bloody high.

That comparisation about farts and an atomic bomb I don't really understand though.

[(Unknown)]

That's 9 point something meters...

[(Unknown)]

[Analog-Umph]

Learn metric please, most of us have no idea how far that actually is....

I remember learning about the foot when I lived back in Europe, somewhere around 1990. It should be part of the primary school curriculum, if I remember correctly.

1 foot = 30.5 cm

They only use them in USA, the rest of the modern world is, thank God, all metric.

**

Anyway, onward!

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. "Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Tarzan always check for bees!"

*

[(Unknown)]

There's a joke thread here already you know.

[GeeJee]

Indeed. So this one can be closed. If you want to have these (excellent ) jokes quoted to the other thread, just ask one of the mods